If you know me

You know that my bio person who helped make me who doesn't deserve the title parent has done nothing to help me through life but only give me grief.  I still remember the last thing he has said to me.  I fucking hate you I don't want you in my life don't ever fucking call me and he has also said I tried to wrouin his life. Everytime I have thought of him I remember him saying that and it reminds me why I don't need that acid in my life. He doesn't deserve to be a blip on my radar.

Men and signs

I hate when us women put out the plain signs that men should see loud and clear and they just ignore them. We're doing this stuff to get your attention not to just have you walk right by us. Sometimes seriously it makes us feel horrible. But for real when we're looking our best and your wondering why were not getting your signs you should know why.

Thinking and Laundry

So as I was folding my huge mound of laundry today I was thinking about my eating habits and how I should better them. Everyone has and probably does think of that. So I was thinking does eating the junk do anything for me yes I might want it at that moment but does it make me stronger,thinner,wiser,healthier no it does not so why should I be eating it. It's very hard to change eating habits after doing the same thing for many many years and growing up doing it but it is worth it to change. Change is good. Changing eating habits and the way we think is good thinking of our body and what our body needs is what we need to do. Does our body need to have these huge portions to function no but we have a customed our bodies to thinking we need those portions. I remember reading somewhere that when we eat we only need to fill our body up 80% for it to be comfortable we don't need all that extra food and to fill our bodies up way past the fill line. Food for thought.

nightmares and life let downs

       As I have learned life isn't always easy and its not always cupcakes and rainbows. For the past couple nights I have been plaugued with these aweful vivid nightmares that are just crazy. Its gotten to the point where im like maybe I should have some sort of sleep medicine.Then I also have back pains that hinder my sleep too.

       Of course my first nightmare was about the guy that made me leary of men and made me have trust issues.I woke up after that one and just hated that I still think of him and have to have what he did in my mind and heart forever. Now that im a parent I cant imaginr doing what he did to anyone none the less my child or my spouse. How a person could not love there child and just write them off is beyond me.

My child is my life my world my everything and so is my husband.

     The second nightmare was crazy in it self too and just way too vivid. Between that and the back pain I felt last I was up and rolling around. Madison started crying at 630 something am in the morning so I got up to take care of her since I couldn't sleep anyways and I decided to go out for a walk and start drinking water since they say thats the best thing.  I just finished that 16.9 oz bottle at 5pm I am not a big drinker and that was all I drank today beside a yougurt. I actually enjoyed walking in the morning and I had more energy doing that with only getting 3hrs or less sleep then when I get a full night sleep and wake at 830am. I guess my new routine is waking up at 6am and starting my day during the week.

Tonight is Rays vollyball game go team!!

Onyx

September  18,2013

                                                               Oynx

First of all let me start this off by saying Onyx is a dog we fell in love with and adopted and 12 hours later after being up all night coming to the conclusion that having a dog wasn’t for us. We live in a 750sq ft 1br apartment with a baby,3 cats and a fish and even before a dog was tight so we had no right to bring in a dog to the mix at least not now. Once we get a house or a condo with a yard would have been a better time. Every single day I think about Onyx and my heart is trampled into a million pieces I am crushed heartbroken all and above. The other day I woke up from a dream where we were able to keep her   then I came to the reality it was just a dream I wanted to cry and my heart just hurt even more. The people who have fostered her think we’re the worst people in the world and it hurts a lot I know adopting a dog like that and then after adopting her coming to that realization is horrible. Believe me I’m feeling it I’m feeling the pain and hurt and I don’t know if this pain will ever go away I for sure know I will never ever forget her. As I’m writing this my heart is breaking but I knew it had to be done. After all this happened and dealing with the aftermath I have thought of donating money, dog toys, doing things in her honor I even thought of naming a star after her. But the reality is I don’t have the money to give as much money as I would like and I don’t know if the foster Mom would throw out the toys I donate or burn them. I can volunteer though and help that way. I’m sorry that this happened the way it did I wish I could take it back, I would if I could.

My Neighbors are crazy!!! And We Have The Power To Make A Change!!!.

Somehow we always end up with the craziest noisiest neighbors who don't give a **** about there neighbors whether they have a child/children or not.When we moved into our apartment almost 4 years ago (it will be 4 years on the 18th of this month. We had the greatest neighbor ever he talked to us and wasn't so noisy that we couldn't relax in our own home, he was a all around good guy. Well he decided to move out and get a house and we've just kept having bad neighbors one after another. The neighbors that are living above us currently are so loud they wake up the baby and even scare her and us and our pets.They slam there doors to the point it's like a earthquake our apartment shakes they stomp very loud and hard and they start vacuuming at 630am its absolutely horrible.They have people coming to there door all day and all night sometimes and they **** BANG BANG BANG***** it's as loud as if police we're trying to get in. The parents kick there kids out in the morning and wont let them back in so the kids are constantly banging on the door also. They try to make a big thing of me having pets cat in particular because the kids are terrified of my cat seriously he wouldn't hurt a fly.There supposedly moving back to Texas so I can not wait for peace (Hopefully Shawn there not moving near you lol).

Another neighbor is this one who lives in a one bedroom apartment with Her,her husband,there two kids and the woman's parents they have lived there ever since we moved in they never really bothered me.I was actually looking forward to when Madison started walking so our kids could play together.There youngest is around two or so.We'll it seems I they moved during the night I have no idea where they moved I came home one day and saw the maintenance men working on there empty apartment.We'll Wednesday night I saw there car parked in the parking lot and there was a light in the apartment on and i know it wasn't the maintenance men because there done at 430pm. So I think they must have not handed back there key and was hanging out in there it was kinda weird since the maintenance men already started getting it ready for new people and they were in there. It's sad if they got evicted or something and they were staying in there because they had no other place to go they were good people. If i could I would have helped them or pointed them to someone that could.

Thus is why I tell Ray since were eating healthier now and we cant/shouldn't be eating processed food we should donate it to a food bank. There is plenty of people who need it more then we do we always have food in our stomachs I feel bad for the people who don't and hope I can help and make a change for good in this world.We were in New Brunswick last weekend and I saw so many homeless people and I have been seeing a lot more homeless people around it's this economy and Obama ( yeah yeah politics ) But it is true. I remember when I was in my early teens sleeping over this persons house that was with our church and making meals for the homeless. Also , getting quilts and gloves and such ready and distributing them to the homeless in Philadelphia it was such a eye opening experience for me and it made a impact on my life forever. There are so many people in this world who needs help and a helping hand and its up to us to want to make a impact and help people so they don't feel so alone and feel so lonely in this world.We Have The Power To Make A Change. 

Dreams

Are dreams some cosmic way of sending us messeges or telling us something or just some way of having fun with us. I also know that kids wake up with nightmares when there learning something new because there scared of it.I learned that in psychology.

Time To Get Mad!!!

I'm tired of always just saying ok it will get better or just be disappointed it's time to get mad. No more Mrs. Nice Woman I mean business. This weight isn't gonna come off by me taking my time and laleegagging. When I get tired during the day get mad when it's early and I get tired or just lazy get mad and get out there. I Can Do This!!!!!!!!.

Weight

I hope that someday i'll start to loose weight and it will have just clicked. I wouldn't have to think that depriving myself all the time is the only way to loose weight or making myself sick.I know i'm not perfect but it seems like this weight just wont go anywhere.All this weight makes me very self conscious and when I see skinny people I am so jealous.The way there husbands look at them I wish my husband would look and me and be in total aweee like I am of him.I know people that are not skinny minis have husbands that love them like that too.I just wish I could feel better about myself I dye my hair,wear my clothes differently,not wear 98% of my maternity clothes anymore I've done a lot.I guess the only thing too do is to workout like a mad women again, last time I did that though I messed up my calf and strained a muscle then complained and stopped working out for awhile in general.It feels as if I work out regularly no results med not enough results and when I workout high speed ahead i get tired and pissed off that i'm doing all this work and it's not dropping like it should.Before our wedding it would drop so awesomely and now its just like it's frozen and doesn't want to move.I could go on and on about the imperfections about my body but that wouldn't help anyone.Ughh I know I don't eat like i should but when I diet like I think i should i eat like a rabbit and feel so deprived and jelous people can eat things and I can't.I have got to figure out a way to do this.

Feeling so out of shape and so not sexy.

Just like the title I feel horrible I don't feel empowered or anything. Everything I get really into working out something happens and then I feel like a big ugly blob again. Tonight I went to the gym after not going for awhile and I feel so out of shape and ugly. I got my hair dyed today too and it turned out fire red instead of blonde like it should have I'm just depressed.

Milestones,Teeth,Momma Blues

       My baby girl is getting so big she's getting bigger before my eyes and I just wish I could keep her my baby. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love her she makes me whole and completes me and give's me so much joy everyday and blessings and she's such a blessing to be around. It's hard to believe this beautiful person I gave birth too, Even though the drugs didn't take away the pain like they were supposed to i'd do it again in a heartbeat to have her she's my pride and joy.
        Recently she just got her first two teeth there totally popped through and there the cutest ever there her front bottom center teeth there gorgeous just like she is.She's such a trooper I can only imagine how much they hurt coming in, I'm so proud of her for everything and all she does and is and will be and I could go on and on. Well back to the teeth. I am so glad I got Hylands teething tabs for her and tylenol and advil to help her with the pain and try to take the pain away (Mommy's always make it better) that stuff really works. Now she is biting on everything but I don't mind she can bite on my fingers or her toys or her families fingers all she wants we don't mind.
          This weekend Ray and I are going up north for a best friends birthday and for a horror convention and a food challenge.So my in-laws are watching Madison.I dropped her off with them at 8 and I am missing her like crazy already. Sometimes when us as parents get tired we always say we want a break.But the truth is when we're not with them we miss them like crazy.I miss my baby like crazy I love her soo very much!.I'll be happy to see her on Sunday and hug her.I am so blessed to have such a wonderful little girl who is beautiful smart wonderful and so many other things she's my world.

Not even worth my Breath

First off my birth father is a mean old man who doesn't really care if he has kids out there and he deffinetly doesn't care about the kids he helped to make. He abandoned every one of his 6+ kids but one who he still lives with. I gave him a chance before to be in my and my families life because that's just the person I am and I thought what would heavenly father want me to do.Heavenly Father always says not to hate anyone so I was trying not to and then he turned me and my family down and cursed and screamed in my 6mth old daughters and my ears.

So sometimes me being a human I tend to think of him and today I was and I was like he's not even worth the breath it takes to think of him.He doesn't deserve my breath he doesn't deserve anything he's a worthless sorry excuse for a man.

The End.

Guys

       Shouldn't guys get the hint when us gals want something like attention sometimes.Seriously we can give the most unsubtle hint and our guy be totally oblivious. Here's a hint to all the guys out there if you see your women lingering longer getting dressed she wants something.Or if we keep on talking about something also,That's our subtle hints for you guys to catch on to.

Cant get my mind around this.

This Boston Bombing has turned our world upside down. I just can't believe someone would come into our country (Land of the free home of the brave) and try to blow us up after our country just gave them permanent citizenship a year ago. This whole thing just boggles my mind. I've been thinking about all the peoples lives it affected and totally changed there lives. Just because these two brothers our world is changed forever. We will never forget we will never let them get away with this our justice system will take care of them, it has too. I feel so bad for all those people I wish there was something I could do.

In may I will be running my first race and I cant imagine something like this happening when you run a race you look forward to it.Especially the BOSTON MARATHON. People work there whole lives to get into that race. These people took away the safeness and the perfectness of the Boston Marathon Forever.Will the marathon still be going on every year will our kids get to see it who knows.

          This whole thing is just horrible.

The wonders of being a Mom and Me.

Things have been hectic lately and crazy and just plain insane.I have started again and again this conquest of loosing weight or i've just been continuing it because really it never ends.Well about two weeks ago I did something to my back which i've found out is I slipped a disc and did soft tissue damage. Well it has basically made me lay up my workout moved for a couple weeks  recover I have about 1 or two weeks to go but I have substituting working out since i cant for eating healthy and I have been getting more into protein shakes. Peanut butter protein shakes I have lived on for these past couple days and eating healthy it has worked last time i weighed myself im down 4 pds woot woot. Well with all this I have been down in the dumps a bit but my daughter has made everything brighter she's just awesome.Her and my Mom and Ray and Chris has been helping me get through this.Thank goodness the back injury i have is not permanent so i should be back on my game in a week or so.My doc doesn't want me to think of my 5k right now but how can i not i've already paid the entrance fee and I want to do this for me and face it i want to get painted (Woodstock 2013) maybe hmmm. We'll at Woodstock I think alot of people were single i'm just doing it as a married lady but hey we can still have fun and one of my bffs will be there so partay time. Well i'm off to make dinner for my hubs before his game night.................. laters baby.

Ick

So hate when mother nature comes it makes me want food that's bad for me and that's horrible when your on a diet. Then after having the food I feel totally horrible. I feel like the grossest person like I can feel myself sweating out the junk food and I hear myself in my head talking bad about myself it's such a horrible feeling. During this time my self esteem is at a all time low.

Feeling like I'm a person trapped in my own body.

So the person I am and the  person I look like is totally different or maybe not. Well here's the thing I'm a overweight woman who is in this body but the person I feel like my personality and such should be is this active athletic health conscience person who is beautiful and this health weight like 130 the max. I feel as if the person I should be is this person who eats healthy and runs every morning and is healthy and lives where I could run without feeling like I'm gonna get hit and there's actually landscape to see. It's just crazy I don't know how to feel I just hope my hopes and dreams come true and I'm healthy and at a healthy weight and can actually be happy in my own skin. I love everyone!! 

Family growing by the year

We now have our big brother in our lives and I'm loving it.We got to meet him last night for the first time and it was awesome.

My baby is growing up

Wow my baby is growing before my eyes.I'm already planning her first birthday and its totally surreal.Before I became a parent I was kinda grossed out by some stuff like spit up and what not but now its like nothing to me lol.I'm like oh it will happen I'll just wipe it off and continue on with my day. Before your a parent you really never know the extent of umconditional love until you have a child and look into there eyes and know you would do anything for them. My family is My world without them this world wouldn't be complete or even be a real world because they ate my world everything I do everyday is for my family.I will always be there for my family no matter what!! I will love you forever and eternity Madison!!! Mommy Will Always Love You!!!!.

The core

To tell ya the truth this guy hurt me to the core but I think that's what he wants to do that's his mission in life to make kids and hurt them.I hate him. I dont know how you can make children and then just leave them he helped make 6 children that I have found so far and he's only stayed for one of them talk about a deadbeat dad. This guy was supposed to pay child support until we were 18 or out of school and he amancipated me like a loser when I was 16 years old.I feel like I'm finally starting to heal and he gets into my lifw again once in 8th grade my mom brought me to court he wouldnt even acknowledge me or hug me then before I got married and then when I had my baby. He wants to act like hes father of the year for all the milestones but he doesn't want to even talk or be in our lives for anything else such a jackass. In the bible it says not to hate anyone so I'm going to try not to have that hate in my heart or in my life but I know he's going to have to awnser to heavenly father and he'll show him all he did wrong.I'm so grateful to have heavenly father and his son in my life and I know they will always have my back.

Weightloss

I get so mad when I see all these skinny people and I wish I could be skinny like them.Its not that easy to loose weight that took all my life to put on. I wish I ate healthier when I was younger and I wish I knew the effects it could do.I guess I knew it "but damn am I paying for it now!".tryong to get the energy up to workout and taking care of the baby is hard but I know its worth it its just very hard. I have the bootcamps at the gym now but since the knot in my leg and not going for a couple days I fell off the saddle and its hard to get back on. was a falling out with my mom and she wont take me so I have no ride.

Kettle Corn You Butthead

We'll today I had a great day until I let carbs ruin it ickkk.......

    So today I kept my word to myself and the went to the gym to get my workout on.It felt amazing I did three different machines 31 or so minutes each and then took a nice hot shower with zero interruptions. Note to self though bring shower sandals next time because showers and locker room floors aren't the cleanest of places who knows who walked on those floors.

  Well this morning I made a protein shake with Whey protein, Acai juice, Pom juice, and frozen fruit which was delisiousioso and then after the gym for lunch I had 1 can of Amy's lentil soup and some spinach and kale raviolis which I only had maybe the most 6 of because they were ick leftovers and then here's the big one I had like 2 to 3 cups of kettle corn I feel horrible. After I ate it, it didn't feel satisfying it felt horrible like I let my body and myself down so not worth the corn or the calories.  

Day 4 Comeon now I can rock this shit

OK today I woke up and knew what I did yesterday was wrong and I should have never went off my diet because now I feel like shit and I've been trying to wrack my brain what I could do so my weigh-in on sunday isn't all screwed up. So I want to go to the gym tommarow but I don't want maddie to go into the childcare yet because all of the flus going around she's precious cargo so I  got to see if mom can watch her while I go to the gym. So today I cleaned I had lunch I took a nap while maddie napped and took most of my vitamins and got a naked drink to go with them and now im gearing myself up to zumba and burn some fat and calories man I think Beto makes it funnier he's hot lol.Hey I can look I don't touch.



Menu for today

breakfast

kashi with blueberry clusters
frozen fruit , pom , acai smoothie (fabulous I might add) so glad I have those magic bullets.

Lunch
Amys lental soup with 3 handfuls of mini vegetable flavor crackers ( the crackers is what I feel bad about)
other bit of leftover smootie.

Day 3

Day 3

what a wild day had my kasha cereal in the morning and then went to my moms later and had the other half of my subway sandwich. We went to Wal-Mart and then cheesecake factory at the mall needless to say I couldn't and didn't do my zumba and now I feel terrible and like a crazy person because I let my diet go out the window yesterday after that we went to target to see ray because the baby got her ears pierced and I wanted to show them off.I did have a chocolate vitamin shake that morning.

Day 2

Today I woke up with a better outlook on everything and not feeling as horrible as I usually do working out did a body good. I feel better about myself and my body. I also was thinking about the dieting thing and it's really about giving your body the right things to power your body and to not just keep your body in a stand still and then I thought junk food isn't so good after all. Really what does junk food and not healthy foods do for us yes they might taste good at that moment but what do they do for us afterwards they just sit in our body not giving us energy and making us feel bad about ourselves because we ate them or drank them and let them pass our lips. I was thinking about when I go out and eat that kind of stuff or when I did all the bad stuff that goes into making it good oil grease salt etc do we really need that in our bodies no.

Today Is my second day of zumba and I just got done a little bit ago I did 60 whole minutes of zumba goodness and burned 770 calories the app on my phone says woot woot go me. It feels AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Food Log

Breakfast

1/2 serving of cottage cheese
1 serving of apples and cinnamon oatmeal
40z of fat free skim milk
1 cup of green matcha tea (which I haven't finished yet)


Water
2 cups so far about to drink 2 more go me

Day 1

                                   Day 1

 



My Motivation

Me Now

 

 

Day 1 to the rest of my life people say that a lot when there trying to make a lifestyle change and it never happens but I really have to make this happen not just for myself but for my family. I figure if I write and talk about my struggle on here and not run from it and not hide it from people then it will be out there and people can see how much I really want it I really need it and since people will be watching then it will be time to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Today I weighed myself I was 258 pounds I was shocked and people never tell me I look like I am that much but I am.I know its from not eating the healthiest when I go out and when I snack on junk food.I know even if I go out with people I have to be strong enough to say no it's not there job to look over me and tell me what I can and can not eat. Going out with my family it has always just been easier to go to fast food or get the non healthy stuff because it was faster and tasted better I grew up doing that and I guess that's where my problem started.I wonder if I was never introduced to fast food as a child if I wouldn't be this way.

 

I know once I get in the rhythm of working out again and it doesn't seem like such a chore it should be better. Today I bought my first motivational quote book.

 

What I had today

 

vitamins for the day

multivitamin gummi

1000mg chewable vitamin c

GNC women's energy and metabolism supplement

 

Breakfast

3/4 honey bunches of oats tropical blend with milk

pineapple chobani greek yougurt

matcha hot green tea

 

lunch

mediteranian hummus with pita bread

1/2 shrimp cocktail

1/2 balsamic chicken cobb salad

3 sips of diet coke

 

snack

monster zero calorie zero sugar energy drink

cottage cheese with honey

green matcha tea

 

dinner

cup chili

1/2 balsamic chicken cobb salad

 

 

Amazing Workout!!!!!!!!

wow just wow I finally did it I did I did I did I did Zumba and it was fabulous I felt hot and sexy and beautiful sweaty yes but beautiful and felt like I could do this I might have not got every move perfect but I don't care because I had fun. After Zumba I did like 13 minutes of a kettle bell workout it was fabulous and the feeling I had after working out was great and it made me feel like I could do it and I actually missed working out. I wanted to go outside and go for a walk but it's way too cold in Jersey right now to go walking outside it's 28 degrees out yeah it sucks being that cold.

 

Before

 After

 

 

Trying to better myself.

So I'm trying to better myself and get to the place where I've always wanted, strived to be. To get over the working out hump where it doesn't feel so much like a chore and actually feels fun. I just had a baby almost 5 months ago and I want to get into good shape so I can be proud of myself. A lot of people call hot Mom's MILFS but I don't even feel very hot right now body wise yes I'm not like 300lbs but I'm not in shape either. I know it takes time but I want to get there.
         I'm starting to hate excuses because I use them all the time about why I don't work out but here's one. I have been sick and it turned into bronchitis which is even worse by the fact that I'm a asthmatic also. I was in the ER for 3 hrs 2 days ago and now I'm on some good medicine to kick this bronchitis's Butt. So Hopefully I'll feel better soon. We're lucky enough to have great parents who have taken the baby so I can get better and rest. This medicine is awesome but it makes me dizzy so I'm a little disoriented at times so not to umm graceful I guess (lost as to the other word I was thinking of...Brain Fart...). I miss my Baby like crazy though. I have been wondering what she has been doing and if she has started doing any new things. She's my baby she's my buddy just like I'm my Mom's buddy too we're two pea's in a pod we're like a box of chocolates you never know what your going to get with us (I know a Forest Gump line I Love That Movie it never gets old).
        I hope that when I get better I go back to the gym for a hour to a couple hours a day and do my workout dvd's at home and walk and such too that's my mission that's what I want that's what I strive to do. I have mostly everything ready to help me accomplish that. Now I just have to HAKUNA MATADA and just do it. Today I did make a protein shake instead of having oatmeal I have had a fear of having cereal with milk because of the bronchitis and I can't eat dry cereal so I'm limited although I am going to start eating my Yogurt, Cottage cheese and cheese because I don't want them to go to waste like my milk did buh hum bug. But anyway my protein shake had plain Greek yogurt, Berries, whey protein and orange juice in it and I blended it with my Magic Bullet(Gosh I love that thing). I can do this I can do this I can do this. 

Mom with the flu

I really don't know how we as Mom's do it we'll I guess I do we just do it because we have too but wow it's hard. I find myself as weak as can be but still getting up to take care of the baby and still find a way to muster out the energy to make crazy faces and sounds just so I can see and hear her laugh. I did ask my hubby if he could work from home today since he has the ability too to help me out a bit because that's how horrible I felt. I woke up at 6am with a coughing attack and preceded to go to the bathroom to get control of it to not wake up the baby and I stayed out in the living room (but I so missed my bed).I attempted to sleep on the couch until my phone went off saying two new emails which I don't know how to turn the voice thing off so yeah that sucked and then lil Miss woke up at 7 and that was all folks were up well I am and she is to start our day. When you have the flu your patients are so thin trying to feed the baby her applesauce and milk I felt like I was gonna collapse on her highchair whch would not be good.I made apple and cinnamon oatmeal and pumpkin spice coffee for me but even eating and drinking takes a lot especially when its for me. When I'm sick I could go without food all together but I know I have to eat.I wanted to start working out this week but if I don't have the energy to do normal things how am I ever going to have the energy to work out. I so hope Ray and Madison don't get this flu/cold whatever it is.I hope I feel better soon I want to be able to be the energetic Mom/Wife I want to be and will be. 

Birth Dad Drama

So my bd hasnt been realky in my life in 25 years a lot of stuff went down before I was born.I didnt get the Daddy experiance but I got one heck of a Mom.Every major thing that happens in my life he trys to get in when I got married and when I had my baby.A lot of people say he wants the reward but didnt want to work for it by helping raise me. I did want to give him a chance to be in our life again so Madison could know my birthfather and not just hear bad things about him but it didnt work and there's just too much drama.I wish Madison never had to know what happend between my mom and him but I know sometime she's going to find out. She's a smart girl. I dont think people know all the effects divorce has on kids it doesnt matter how old they are. My Mom is Fantastic but I will always have Daddy Issues that's just how it is.I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR MY MOM AND I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HER
BACK YOU MESS WITH MY MOM OR MY FAMILY YOU MESS WITH ME.