The Elephant In The Room

Post Partum Depression
"I always wanted to be a Mom It was and is my dream".
          On August 23,2012 at 7:44pm my life changed forever one of the greatest things happened my daughter was born. She came after a long,hard,stressful and traumatic etc. delivery. I went in Tuesday at 6pm and got induced and later that night got the epidural which worked sometimes and hurt going in and at the end I felt everything anyway and I had my daughter Thursday at 7:44pm so needless to say it was a long labor. I was in so much pain I was out of it I was pushing for 3hrs my Mom says. My water was broken for 29hrs they said if I didn't dilate soon I would have to have a emergency C-section which probably would have been better since the outcome of not having one wasn't good either just because of not dilating as fast as we would like and having to get induced in the first place at 38weeks pregnant. Because my water was broken so long my daughter came out and she wasn't doing good my Mom says she was purple, I was still out of it because of everything so I remember some and not other things. My daughter was actually born with a blood infection e-coli because of my water being broken so long so I only got to hold her a couple seconds before she was whisked away to the NICU and she was put on breathing machines for a hour or so and was in a isolate with wires everywhere. She was in the hospital a total of 11days and 6 of those days she was in the NICU. The whole time she was in the hospital she was on antibiotics and one day she was in a isolate for jaundice because her levels raised over night.

        I spent two days in the hospital and I was discharged and I had to leave my baby and go home it was the hardest thing I ever had to do besides delivering her, that day was one of the saddest days in my whole life. My Husband had to be somewhere so he couldn't take me home so my Mom did, I had to wait in the lobby alone for her to get the car while I was there I saw a family with a empty car seat coming to get there baby. When she got there and I got in the car I lost it and I burst into tears and didn't stop crying until we got home and my heart was entirely broken I felt as if I couldn't breathe a piece of me was missing. When we got back in the area we went to go see Ray I needed to see his face feel his comfort know he's there have a hug from him the person I made this beautiful child with who we had to leave at the hospital. Ray had two weeks he could spend home with us our daughter was in the hospital everyday but three of them.

         Everyday we went to see our baby no matter how tired we were how emotional we we're out mentally exhausted because we we're now parents who are in charge of caring for another human being who counts on us. Everyday I went in heard from the doctors saw the wires heard her cries wished I could take her pain away. All through everything I was also trying to breast pump/breast feed it wasn't easy hoping and praying I had enough disappointed and down on myself when I didn't seeing/hearing/reading about all the people who had more could get more and every time I breast pumped I would get this horrible pain in my stomach that made me want to be in the fetal position because that felt like all I could do. I was constantly on the move between trying to provide food and nourishment for my child running doing errands going to the hospital and trying to maintain a sensible house. Dealing with what was happening post partum and my body changing and doing stuff I wasn't used to I was exhausted in all senses of the word I would catch cat naps but it was never enough and keeping hydrated was next to impossible for me.

        Down comes the rain. When I came home I was crying more often and anxious and had more anxiety I would be sitting there pumping and I would be crying and streams of tears would be coming down my face. I could cry with a tip of a hat I just couldn't stop. One day Ray was parking the car and I was waiting in the lobby because I couldn't walk far and another couple was coming to bring there baby home I was silently crying inside and my insides felt like shreds and broken. Everything was getting to me and my patients we're shot I had no idea what was going on. I actually took that post partum thing they give you before they discharge you and I pasted because I thought what I was feeling was normal but it wasn't I was in trouble. When the baby finally came home I had no idea how to do everything like any new parent and my Mom was there to help. The baby crying started to make me want to hide and not want to do anything and I felt like I couldn't get enough sleep at all. I would do things for the baby but I always felt like I wanted to do something else I had no idea what was wrong with me. I started not wanting to be alone with the baby and being very clingy to my Mom because she took care of the baby for me when I felt like I couldn't I felt as if I was going to hurt myself or someone else. I was lost. 

       The diagnoses finally came when I couldn't take it and I knew I needed help I didn't want to be this way for me or my family and especially my baby. I called my doctor and told them I need to be seen and I was seen the same day and I was diagnosed with PPD (post partum depression).The doctor said that with everything I was through it made it more possible of me getting it and because I had depression before in my life. He made sure I knew that it happens to a lot of mothers and I am not a bad mother it is a disorder/disease. He prescribed me medicine to help which it did. I finally am feeling like I'm getting better and my baby is almost 3 months it's a work in progress. I now do everything for my baby my Mom only stayed the first month and we see her some days and she does help sometimes then too. I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and now that I'm feeling better I wish I could rewind and get all the time back that I lost with me being sick and not being able to enjoy it every last minute every last second. I'm trying to tell myself and remind myself I'm a good mom and there's nothing more I could have done I got better for me and my baby and my family that's what I needed, wanted, had to do. I'm hoping my daughter doesn't hate me and knows I'm her mother and I love her. Now that I'm feeling better everything about her amazes me and she's so beautiful and I think to myself how could I have let that PPD get to me I wish I could change it and have it never had happen but I can't and as some people say it has molded me into the person I am today the mother I am today. I wanted to share my story in hopes of it getting out there and hearing about other peoples stories and people that went trough the same or similar thing as me. I wanted to come out and let people know why I was the way I was and why I wasn't myself.

Post Partum Depression Is not something to mess with it's real very real and I'll never fully be healed it feels like but I am a work in progress and I love my child and I will for forever and eternity.

Yes I Have Post Partum Depression But I Am A Survivor And I'm Never Going To Give Up. I Am A Great Mother And My Family and My Daughter Loves Me!.

Thank you to all the people who have and continue to be there for me.
My Mom, My Husband, My Family, My Doctors and My Friends I love you all and I will love you all for forever and eternity and I appreciate everything.