The Elephant In The Room

Post Partum Depression
"I always wanted to be a Mom It was and is my dream".
          On August 23,2012 at 7:44pm my life changed forever one of the greatest things happened my daughter was born. She came after a long,hard,stressful and traumatic etc. delivery. I went in Tuesday at 6pm and got induced and later that night got the epidural which worked sometimes and hurt going in and at the end I felt everything anyway and I had my daughter Thursday at 7:44pm so needless to say it was a long labor. I was in so much pain I was out of it I was pushing for 3hrs my Mom says. My water was broken for 29hrs they said if I didn't dilate soon I would have to have a emergency C-section which probably would have been better since the outcome of not having one wasn't good either just because of not dilating as fast as we would like and having to get induced in the first place at 38weeks pregnant. Because my water was broken so long my daughter came out and she wasn't doing good my Mom says she was purple, I was still out of it because of everything so I remember some and not other things. My daughter was actually born with a blood infection e-coli because of my water being broken so long so I only got to hold her a couple seconds before she was whisked away to the NICU and she was put on breathing machines for a hour or so and was in a isolate with wires everywhere. She was in the hospital a total of 11days and 6 of those days she was in the NICU. The whole time she was in the hospital she was on antibiotics and one day she was in a isolate for jaundice because her levels raised over night.

        I spent two days in the hospital and I was discharged and I had to leave my baby and go home it was the hardest thing I ever had to do besides delivering her, that day was one of the saddest days in my whole life. My Husband had to be somewhere so he couldn't take me home so my Mom did, I had to wait in the lobby alone for her to get the car while I was there I saw a family with a empty car seat coming to get there baby. When she got there and I got in the car I lost it and I burst into tears and didn't stop crying until we got home and my heart was entirely broken I felt as if I couldn't breathe a piece of me was missing. When we got back in the area we went to go see Ray I needed to see his face feel his comfort know he's there have a hug from him the person I made this beautiful child with who we had to leave at the hospital. Ray had two weeks he could spend home with us our daughter was in the hospital everyday but three of them.

         Everyday we went to see our baby no matter how tired we were how emotional we we're out mentally exhausted because we we're now parents who are in charge of caring for another human being who counts on us. Everyday I went in heard from the doctors saw the wires heard her cries wished I could take her pain away. All through everything I was also trying to breast pump/breast feed it wasn't easy hoping and praying I had enough disappointed and down on myself when I didn't seeing/hearing/reading about all the people who had more could get more and every time I breast pumped I would get this horrible pain in my stomach that made me want to be in the fetal position because that felt like all I could do. I was constantly on the move between trying to provide food and nourishment for my child running doing errands going to the hospital and trying to maintain a sensible house. Dealing with what was happening post partum and my body changing and doing stuff I wasn't used to I was exhausted in all senses of the word I would catch cat naps but it was never enough and keeping hydrated was next to impossible for me.

        Down comes the rain. When I came home I was crying more often and anxious and had more anxiety I would be sitting there pumping and I would be crying and streams of tears would be coming down my face. I could cry with a tip of a hat I just couldn't stop. One day Ray was parking the car and I was waiting in the lobby because I couldn't walk far and another couple was coming to bring there baby home I was silently crying inside and my insides felt like shreds and broken. Everything was getting to me and my patients we're shot I had no idea what was going on. I actually took that post partum thing they give you before they discharge you and I pasted because I thought what I was feeling was normal but it wasn't I was in trouble. When the baby finally came home I had no idea how to do everything like any new parent and my Mom was there to help. The baby crying started to make me want to hide and not want to do anything and I felt like I couldn't get enough sleep at all. I would do things for the baby but I always felt like I wanted to do something else I had no idea what was wrong with me. I started not wanting to be alone with the baby and being very clingy to my Mom because she took care of the baby for me when I felt like I couldn't I felt as if I was going to hurt myself or someone else. I was lost. 

       The diagnoses finally came when I couldn't take it and I knew I needed help I didn't want to be this way for me or my family and especially my baby. I called my doctor and told them I need to be seen and I was seen the same day and I was diagnosed with PPD (post partum depression).The doctor said that with everything I was through it made it more possible of me getting it and because I had depression before in my life. He made sure I knew that it happens to a lot of mothers and I am not a bad mother it is a disorder/disease. He prescribed me medicine to help which it did. I finally am feeling like I'm getting better and my baby is almost 3 months it's a work in progress. I now do everything for my baby my Mom only stayed the first month and we see her some days and she does help sometimes then too. I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and now that I'm feeling better I wish I could rewind and get all the time back that I lost with me being sick and not being able to enjoy it every last minute every last second. I'm trying to tell myself and remind myself I'm a good mom and there's nothing more I could have done I got better for me and my baby and my family that's what I needed, wanted, had to do. I'm hoping my daughter doesn't hate me and knows I'm her mother and I love her. Now that I'm feeling better everything about her amazes me and she's so beautiful and I think to myself how could I have let that PPD get to me I wish I could change it and have it never had happen but I can't and as some people say it has molded me into the person I am today the mother I am today. I wanted to share my story in hopes of it getting out there and hearing about other peoples stories and people that went trough the same or similar thing as me. I wanted to come out and let people know why I was the way I was and why I wasn't myself.

Post Partum Depression Is not something to mess with it's real very real and I'll never fully be healed it feels like but I am a work in progress and I love my child and I will for forever and eternity.

Yes I Have Post Partum Depression But I Am A Survivor And I'm Never Going To Give Up. I Am A Great Mother And My Family and My Daughter Loves Me!.

Thank you to all the people who have and continue to be there for me.
My Mom, My Husband, My Family, My Doctors and My Friends I love you all and I will love you all for forever and eternity and I appreciate everything.

Formula

It's un believable how much formula costs these days it's insane. I know breastfeeding is cheaper but sometimes it just doesn't workout. I breastfed in the beginning but then I switched to formula as it just worked for us. In the beginning we we're using simulac advance then we went to simulac sensitive and then we tried Enfamil gentalease and then we went back to simulac sensitive and now were on target up and up sensitive which is working great.

Simulac advance- free-used in the hospital she didn't like it at all kept spitting it up
Simulac sensitive- free in hospital but out of hospital its around 23 to 28 dollars for a regular size can and 30 for 60 bottles worth for bj's size can Madison did very well with this one she doesn't really spit up and we started using rice and probiotics for digestion and helping to keep her full and to help with reflux.
Target up and up sensitive-19 to 22 great price and great product Madison loves it and has the same ingrediants as the simulac sensitive put rice in it and it was easier for her to drink and she drank it faster 20 to 30 min vs hr with simulac.

Using things are just as good as using name brand and you get more in them usually too and there cheaper and usually have the same ingredients too.

Precious

So now Madison is 11 weeks old and she is truly amazing!. It seems like everyday she is learning something new and it is amazing to watch and experience and have this true joy watching my daughter grow and experience new things. I remember when she first found her tounge and she would stick it out all the time and the joy in my heart when she opened her eyes for the first time and I saw them and they we're looking directly at me. The first time I saw her was amazing knowing that this beautiful life came out of me and knowing that she will achieve greatness by just being in this world and just by her being born made this world a better place. Everyday I look at her and I fall more and more in love with her and the person she is and our connection is getting so deep and so strong. She might look like her Daddy but she acts just like her Mommy which just melts my heart it's so precious.Madison's been making all these new noises which are awesome.The other night when she wouldn't sleep I tried putting her down in her crib and she smiled and laughed at me like she was saying ha ha i'm not going to sleep alittle later she was asleep.Just wanted to keep updating everyone on whats going on.

My Grandparents

I miss them everyday I miss everything about them and I wish they could have met my daughter sometimes when I look at her I see them in her. When Madison was first born we realized she does a face that my grandfather did all the time it made us smile. People always say that people who passed could have met her before she was sent to me so I hope they got to meet her before she was born. I hope they got to hold her and love her and got to see what a wonderful person she is and what such greatness she's going to bring to the world and she sure brought greatness and so much other amazing things and amazing qualities. She can truly be anything she wants to be.
Sometimes I miss my grandparents so much my heart hurts but I know there always with me in my heart.

People say that eventually I'll forget how traumatic giving birth was but there's still times where it's burned in my mind and I remember what I was feeling and everything.I'm laying in bed trying to get some sleep and for some reason I keep thinking about it and how much pain I was in.People say I'll eventually forget the pain and then feel well enough to have another one but right now I can't even imagine.It still scares me.I love my daughter more then anything though.I love my family.

My New Computer

So I bought new computers for Ray and I in March and one was great and mine had problems from the getgo.So finally after months on end of problems and it being in the geek squad repeatedly they finally gave me a new one yesterday.Luckily they gave me new kaspersky and office too because with getting a new computer those programs weren't transferrable and since I paid for them with the computer that didn't work I wanted them with my new one, of course with paying so much money you want your things and programs. I'm very happy with my new computer just got to learn the in's and out's of windows 8 but so far so good.My computer has amazing sound too!.So it was and is totally worth the wait.The traffic to get the computer was pretty crazy but we got there and it was good and going home was much easier.So Samsung Is a great brand I've always loved there cell phones and there products and now I love there computers too!.

Babies and Schedules

Sometimes its nearly impossible to keep babies on schedule......
Case in point

. Daylight savings time I seriously thought I would enjoy it since we got a extra hour of sleep this time but coming to the fact that it messes up the babies schedule stinks.

. Also when you tell guys i'm trying to keep the baby on a schedule they love to push it so the baby is never getting fed directly when there supposed to.Also when a baby is taking a bottle they sometimes fall asleep during but we're supposed to be patient and try to get them to finish because if they don't that will mess them up and it will make them wake up hungry just a little while later.

. When your out and busy and it's hard to find a place or get to a place that your able to feed the baby at.

There is so many more reasons why it is impossible to keep a baby on a schedule but if I try to list them all I would probably be here all night.I'm finding keeping her on a schedule is one of the hardest things.Today I put her feeding schedule in my phone so hopefully that helps. Lately my phone has been connected to me so I figure it would be useful in this aspect too.Today we we're out shopping at Walmart and I knew when we went in that while we we're in there it would probably be one of her feedings so when the alarm went off I knew I couldn't stretch it too far.Of course when I needed to feed her I couldn't find Ray so I just went to the McDonald's in Walmart and sat and fed her the whole time looking down the main isle for Ray.I swear people thought I was staring at them and  when they saw that I was trying to find someone they we're like "Ohhhh".

I'm hoping it gets easier to keep her on a schedule and she gets used to it and I hope i'm able to get her on a sleeping schedule too which would be so very nice.People often tell me that eventually she'll be sleeping more during the night that would be so nice.Overall she's a great baby we're just working all the kinks in schedules out. I'm very blessed to have such a great baby like her.